….but, at least it WAS up!
It’s odd, about a week into using the oils I was feeling the best I have in years.. YEARS!!!! It pretty much sent me into a panic… with thoughts like, “oh god am I losing it?” “Is this real?” “Am I going to crash and burn?”
It also made me think, “Wow, if this is what life feels like every day for normal people, I can see why people are okay, even happy to be alive!” (such a terrible thought to have as it signifies my typical depressive state…but then as you all know Lyme drains you to the point of despair and hopelessness)
I felt pretty good for about 4 days, and GREAT for 2. I even started my period and had NO pain and NO PMS which is essentially a miracle for me. My periods are usually debilitating and leave my writhing on the floor in agony firmly believing that if there is a God it hates women. I feel like I am dying. I know that the Lyme cycle typically corresponds with the menstrual cycle, which is why women often experience a severe worsening of symptoms around their period. So, to have a pain free, tolerable period where I could actually function was HUGE and I believe the oils really contributed to that.
Anyway, on about day 2 of feeling fantastic, I went in to get my first Vit C/Glutathione/B-complex IV. When I got to the clinic I was feeling good, happy, excited, optimistic. Then, about thirty minutes into it, I literally felt as if something in my head sort of shifted and split open, and a flood of anxiety and depression was released. I began to feel nauseous and achy. At the end of the IV the doctor explained that I may experience a worsening of symptoms since my immune system is being triggered by the infusion of nutrients and antioxidants. She said it could cause me to herx (At $175 per treatment, I’m trying to decide if it is worth it if I just end up feeling crappy….but I suppose as they say you feel worse before you feel better…)
Well, I nearly fainted walking out of her office. Stumbled to my car and barely managed to get myself home before collapsing in total and complete exhaustion. That was four days ago and I haven’t gotten any better since my “crash.” I feel tired, out of it, am messing up my words, am moody and depressed, unable to motivate, lack appetite, have joint pain and night sweats, and so, soooo much internal shaking and loss of coordination. BOO. I hate it.
This disease is CRAZY. I keep having the same thoughts and questions go through my head- what in me believes I deserve this? Does some part of me want to be ill (I think, subconsciously, some part of me does, in some weird attempt to get the care and attention that I so desperately wanted and needed when I was a child, except, I’m not getting it…) Will this ever get better? etcetera etcetera….I’m not saying that any of us ask for this, or that anyone suffering from chronic illness is at fault…just, for me personally, I do believe I have created a pattern in my life that welcomes illness. And, I need to address that before I heal. It feels so overwhelming and confusing and complicated…
And the up and the down and the all around is enough to drive anyone crazy…not to mention I actually have damage from mytotoxins that is probably making me literally crazy… anyways….
- “I’ve got this handled!”
- “There is a lesson in all of this and I’m on journey”
- “Life is beautiful, I’m so grateful to be alive”
- “Life is great!!!”
- “I look wonderful today!”
- “Hey, I can do this”
- “I’m going to be okay”
- “This isn’t so bad”
- “I just need to keep fighting”
When I’m having a bad day:
- “Fuck life!”
- “I hate everyone!”
- “I’m never going to be okay”
- “How am I going to get out of bed”
- “Life is pointless”
- “I don’t think I can leave the house”
- “My skin is worse than 99% of people I know and they are eating candy bars and boozing while I’m downing green juice and avoiding sugar like the plague. Time to cake on the concealer. WTFF!!!???
You get the drift….my mood and thoughts are all over the place, and I feel like I never know what I will get. Will I wake up so anxious I can barely move my body because I’m shaking all over? Will I feel suicidal tonight? Will I be able to make it through work? I just read this in an article ““Lyme produces a microedema, or swelling in the brain. This affects your ability to process information. It’s like finding out that there’s LSD in the punch, and you’re not sure what’s going to happen next or if you’re going to be in control of your own thoughts.” (see article here) Yep..pretty much. But at least if it was really LSD you would get the fun parts of it too instead of just feeling crazy and brain-dead and completely out of control!!!!
It is absolutely maddening. And incredibly confusing.
I see people posting pictures of their wedding photos on Facebook and positive pregnancy tests. People I used to know, but don’t anymore because I have isolated so much over these last few years. I find myself avoiding taking pictures and sending my semi-boyfriend (a long story there) links about the spoon theory and about how Lyme makes you a recluse (this article I think does a pretty good job of explaining) so he will understand why I just want to hide most of the time. But really, I don’t think anyone can understand this unless they are in it. And, I don’t want this disease to define me. I don’t want being sick and depressed to be my story. But, at the same time, I can’t deny the reality of this experience, which involves a huge amount of feeling awful both mentally and physically…in ways that thoroughly alter my ability to live life. Sigh.
So, today is a bad day. I have had to struggle to get through it. When I get like this I just do what I can to keep going along, and to keep hoping and believing that one day I will be better, not just for two days, but forever