Will it ever get better?

dI have been trying to remain positive, I’ve been trying to trust, I’ve been trying to learn.  There are lessons in this, I know.  Really, I do.  I’m even grateful, you have me down on my knees, aware and also begging, pleading please please please, willing to learn how to grow and care and value and transcend and heal.  Going inside and seeing, the origins, the fall.   Determined to stand again.  But- here I am, again down on the floor.  Writhing in a pain that I just don’t understand.  I can take a lot, but I’m getting so tired of this all.

😦  I have been doing EVERYTHING I can think of to get better.  I even spent 30 days in the middle of the Amazon puking my guts out trying to rid myself of this sickness.  I’m detoxing, I’m meditating, I’m eating as clean and as well as you can imagine.  I’m trying so hard, and I feel like I am getting worse.  I just don’t understand, the ups and downs of this disease are so hard.  I want my life back. It seems like lyme is just one tiny piece of the puzzle- there’s the MTHFR mutation, heavy metal toxicity, hormonal imbalance, other autoimmune issues, food allergies…how do you tackle them all?  I’ve spent thousands of dollars at this point and I still feel like I don’t have any clear answers.  I get the issues, but how do I get better!?!

I don’t believe this will last forever, I refuse to doubt my ability to heal.  But…..when?  When will this get better?  This is ABSOLUTE hell.  The places your body can take you (but does it all originate in the mind?)- I had no idea.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Will it ever get better?

  1. I’ve been there. Am there? BUT I’ve realized that you have to take every bit of new knowledge with a grain of salt. I can’t possibly address every single little problem and every chemical in my life (we are all exposed to them and I can’t possibly correct every genetic mutation) so I do what I can and don’t beat myself up about the rest. I realized I still needed to live. I went form being so strict with my diet and treatment to relaxing a bit, enjoying a meal out with friends occasionally or not freaking out if I missed 1 sauna sesh…. this helped tremendously! The stress you put on yourself to be perfect in treatment can actually make everything worse. I also found out you have to treat any emotional issues (even if they just stem from being sick) because your mind runs everything and is completely connected to the body. If you don’t treat your mind you will NEVER get better. So I now see a therapist to make sure I learn how to cope with sickness and to address other issues of my past. Sending love and healing!

    Like

    • Thanks for your thoughtful, and very right comment 🙂 I usually try to remain positive, work through the hard times etc but I am used to having at least a few functional days in-between the bad ones…and I’ve had the longest string of bad ones yet and it is so hard to keep my resolve 😦 You are very spot on about the emotional healing that needs to take place. That’s why I went to the Amazon over the summer and spent thirty days at an ayahuasca retreat. I have been in a jungian analysis type of therapy for years now, and am a psychology major myself- have read and meditated and done a ton of things- but I just was stuck..so I went to Peru as a last ditch effort to get to the bottom of things. Doing ayahuasca was HELL. It was the hardest thing I have EVER done. It was like 800 years of therapy in a single session! And it really showed me the emotional roots of the lyme disease- I mean, if you think about it, autoimmunity is the body attacking itself- what clearer form of self-rejection!? Oh man, it was intense. I’m going to keep fighting, but just having such a hard time right now, wondering if I have to drop out of my classes, wondering if I need to move back home (and home isn’t a home at all), feeling completely without support etc. 😦 Trying to practice gratefulness and hold onto hope, but there are some days I just can’t seem to do it :/ Thanks so much for your kind words!

      Like

      • I completely understand! Wow, your comment about autoimmunity- how right! I was in a similar place. After I graduated college over a year ago I had to move back in with my parents. I was able to work part time this past year and JUST quit this week because I realized I needed to focus on treatment. It was the hardest decision ever but I had my first grad school interview last week and it was a real kick in the butt to let me know I’m doing the right things- resting and focusing 100% on treatment, using up all my savings lol- to be better in the long run and able to head to grad school eventually. Anyway, I’m always here if you want to connect or talk or vent about this whole Lyme fiasco 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve been reading a couple of your posts and it’s so heartbreaking. I can see that the posts are from last year, so I don’t know if you will get this message. I though you might want to contact Dr Jess Armine. http://methylationsupport.com/dev/ He does free 15 minute “get acquainted sessions”, and he is an expert at lyme, MTHFR, you name it and believes everyone can get better. He has a podcast you can listen to. Maybe he could help. If you have questions, e-mail me.

    Like

    • Hi, there- Sorry, I took a break from my attempt at documenting it all because 1. It was exhausting and 2. I’ve really been trying to focus my energy on things not related to be sick! Doing a lot of emotional/energetic/spiritual work. Thank you for your kind comment, though I’m seeing it a bit late! I will definitely check him out as MTHFR is a huge part of this for sure. I react to most methylated supplements, so it’s very confusing on how to supplement!!! Sigh, it’s all complicated. But it is also all okay 🙂 Thank you for your suggestions ❤ Do you have Lyme as well?

      Like

  3. I am so sorry to hear about these moments of suffering, I have been there. I was paralyzed in August and feel fully recovered right now. I have done many things (some of which you mention). If you would like to hear more or just another persons journey, email me At wildearthhealer@gmail.com It can be so gnarly… I do have to say a HUGE part of my recovery was emotional and spiritual healing along the nutritional stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi there. I haven’t checked in on this in a really long while. I’ve been doing a lot of energetic/spiritual healing work. But saw a notification of your comment in my inbox today 🙂 I would love to hear more about your healing journey, I will try sending you an email. Glad to hear you are well! ❤

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s