I’ve been in a daze these last few weeks. Confused, tired, feeling out of my body and out of my mind- yet, still stuck in the painfulness of this all, that part, I seem to be totally present in my body for. I just completed 2 weeks of taking a doTERRA product called Gx Assist. It contains essential oils of Oregano,Melaleuca, Lemon, Lemongrass, Peppermint, and Thyme paired with another doTERRA product, DDR Prime which contains Frankincense Resin, Wild Orange Peel, Lemongrass Leaf, Thyme Leaf, Clove Bud, Summer Savory Plant, and Niaouli Leaf essential oils.On top of that I’ve been using other essential oils such as frankincense, lemon, myrhh, vetiver, and more both internally and externally (topically and aromatically). I’ve also started doing weekly detox foot baths, infrared saunas, coffee enemas, and have started taking cholestyromine (to bind and remove mold toxins). On the advice of a detox specialist I know, I tried doing an enema using a few drops of frankincense and lemon oil. I did this on Christmas morning. I had no real plans, coming from a dysfunctional family, gatherings of relatives are something to be avoided. My sister avoids them as well, so we had decided to just make dinner and perhaps go for a walk at her house later that day. Anyways, I did the enema and after that, all hell broke loose. I had already been feeling pretty crappy, and the night before, wanting a treat, had made an AIP legal dessert but apparently all it takes in one spec of maple syrup to set my body on the inflammation highway 😡 So the point is I was already feeling crummy and the enema, instead of making feel better, triggered what I believe to be a massive herx. I dragged myself to my sister’s and collapsed. A headache began to come on, and I had severe indigestion (something that rarely happens since going AIP) and felt like my head was stuffed with cotton. I went home and passed out…I had to drag myself through yesterday because I had things to do but it was incredibly hard and by the afternoon I was immobilized and in some of the worst pain of my life- extreme migraine, nausea, hot flashes, everything hurt… Today I woke up and was still in a massive amount of pain. I struggled to get up and lay in the shower. I tried to feed myself a bit, raspberries and fizzy water with lime since the nausea was so bad. My head felt like someone was drilling into it while simultaneously pounding with a hammer. I lay down and was shaking and just felt..so, so sooooo bad. The pain was overwhelming. The kind of pain where if I had to be in it for much more than a few days I would likely choose to off myself. I got up and ended up throwing up a few times..which sucked, but helped me to feel a bit better. Fell asleep again. Woke up in pain. Into the shower again. Used peppermint essential oil. Did a coffee enema which offered immediate relief. With the tiny bit of a break in pain, I dragged myself to the store to get a smoothie, a banana, some green tea (the caffeine helps), and some epsom salts. I then dragged (like, literally dragging my feet) to a nearby place that rents out soaking tubs (since I do not have a tub in my place, which SUCKS as taking a tub is one of the only things that ever makes me feel better). I sat in the tub, used some menthol and mint oils…. On my way home stopped at the natural foods store again. Got ginger, and then eyed the mochi (it’s this weird pounded rice that you bake, and it puffs up). I decided to get some. I have been on the autoimmune paleo diet for awhile now, and have been grain free even longer- but I just desperately wanted the rice. I came home, felt like I was going to die again, baked the mochi, ate some, and now…suddenly, right after, feel infinitely better! I’m not sure what that means. It might just be that all the detox stuff I was taking, the enema, the bath etc finally kicked in. Or, it could mean I really needed a dense plain simple carbohydrate to soak everything up… I don’t know. As I sit here typing this, I’ve realized it smells a bit like cat pee (a smell I’ve sadly become somewhat immune to, so it probably REALLY smells like cat pee). This means, that, despite keeping my couch covered with a plastic sheet, Cub (pictured below), found some time and some way to pee somewhere on it. UGH. It also means that I will have to haul myself and the giant blanket I have covering the couch to the laundromat tomorrow (it doesn’t fit in my washer here) and buy another giant container of urine odor remover from the pet store, and pay $7 to wash it! Cub has always had peeing issues, since I got him as a tiny kitten (It was much cuter back then though) and he’s been checked out multiple times by a vet (let’s not even get into the amount of money I have spent on this little guy) and has always been determined to be healthy. The vets like to say he is an ‘anxious cat’ (which makes me wonder where I went wrong in my parenting) and has an easily aggravated bladder when stressed. UGH. Anyways, since moving to my current place, he has been apparently especially stressed since there are multiple neighborhood cats (including three males right next door!) and he is constantly getting in fights. So, the peeing has been happening pretty frequently. Seemingly anywhere is fair game. The couch, the floor mats, the bed, and..and ME. In the last two weeks I’ve been peed on about 6 times, including three nights in a row. I live in a studio, so there is no way to ban him from the bedroom. As I mentioned earlier, my comforters do not fit in my washer here so each time it happens it entails me getting up at 3am, changing the entire bed, throwing the dirty stuff outside, then the next day trekking to the laundry mat. In short, it is EXHAUSTING and STRESSFUL and not something a person with chronic illness should be dealing with!!! I actually think dealing with it over the last seven years has contributed significantly to my now confused and overwhelmed immune system (I’ve had to throw away couches and mattresses, you get the idea)… The vet has recommended putting him on kitty prozac, and I’ve held out for 6 years…but, I’m seriously starting to consider it….but, being so anti-pharmaceutical I have instead ordered about 20 different natural calming aids in a desperate hope they will help… 😦 So, the peeing has been stressful. Then, my job, which was perfect- good pay, flexible part-time hours, caring for a little baby- just up and ended. The parents were having issues so the mom decided to move back to her native country. This was stressful because, while I am SO fortunate to have financial support right now, I still need to work to cover all the ‘extras.’ Like $175 per session IV treatments, detox foot baths, saunas, supplements, oils, etc… there are endless extras (which are really necessities if you want to get better) when you have Lyme. The Igenix test I just did for co-infections was $915! And I need yet another doctor’s appointment….I mean, I’ve been thinking of all the supplements I could use, all the different detox machines etc and I could easily spend $20,000 tomorrow on everything I want/need! (Say a rife machine!!! GRRRR I want one!) But, the biggest bummer about that job ending was it was in a NON-MOLDY house. Everywhere here in Santa Cruz seems to be moldy. I tried going to a meet-up group focused on healing- well, it was in a moldy building. I’ve been trying to find another place to live because I can’t stay where I’m at much longer, every place, MOLDY! I went and looked at a place that was PERFECT but, there was mold (and let’s not even go into the issue that there are ticks everywhere here so that knocks a ton of places off my list since my cats would bring in ticks) Trying to find new babysitting jobs- ALL MOLDY! Trying to date people, all live in moldy houses! Some even have moldy cars! Oh yah, and I broke up with my boyfriend 😦 I’m dating someone new already, and seeing a few other people..because, I tend to be like that. I really enjoy sex…or…I should now say USED to. Sex-drive when you have a crazy illness like lyme is a tricky thing as I’m discovering…I have always had a pretty high sex-drive. But since becoming REALLY ill, and more- KNOWING for a fact that I am ill...it’s been hard to feel sexy. My doctor ‘warned’ me that I would find myself attracted other people with lyme and to moldy places and places where lyme is prevalent. I sort of gave him a funny look, but he was like- TRUST ME, I know (he had Lyme himself). Well, sure enough the guy that I am dating is from CONNETICUT. When I finally told him about having Lyme (it took me a bit because..I just don’t like to tell people, I’ll admit I have mold allergies, celiac disease, etc, but lyme is a hard one for me…) he said, “oh yah? Me too..well, I had it once. I got a rash and immediately went on antibiotics, but I don’t have it anymore.” Well, from all my research and reading it is highly likely that he does have it! And now I am freaking out that maybe I have reinfected him, or double infected myself…but I haven’t brought it up yet
Also, I find it is so hard to be vulnerable, to give of myself, to enter into relationships of any kind, but especially intimate ones. It is so hard because…I don’t feel whole, complete..I feel sick and lost and confused and not in control. Like I don’t know who I am or what is going to happen to me. How do you enter into a relationship when you have so little to give because every ounce of your strength and energy goes to just making it through the day? They want to go go out, to DO things, hang out with friends. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. Yet, you CANNOT get through this, through life, alone. Connection is a necessity. But, I feel like my isolation is a survival mechanism. Tricky trickiness.
Now let’s tack on the invasive animals. First, there are the never-ending ants. NEVER-ENDING. I hate killing them, but they just won’t stop. It’s been a month and just when I think I’ve gotten rid of them, they reappear in triple the numbers! Next, there’s Huxley. Huxley is an opossum, who showed up at least two months ago now. I was sitting, minding my own business, and then suddenly I see him waddle across the room, past the cats, to the food bowl like he owned the place! I managed to get him outside and the next day called an opossum rescue lady and she told me to continue feeding him, but just to put the food bowl outside, and that he would eventually move on. Worst advice ever! He has continued trying to move in and there have been nights where I haven’t been able to get him back outside and he spends the night. EXHAUSTING. I’ve finally devised a blockade for the sliding glass door that he doesn’t seem to be able to get over but that my cats can. Then, and I do believe she falls in the category of invasive creatures, is the woman living in the front house. She is OCD, likely border-line personality disorder, and she hates me. I’m not sure why. I’m am the nicest, quietest person. But from the moment she met me she has hated me. As a matter of fact, the first thing she said to me was, “You don’t look sick” Accusatory tone, big frown, arms crossed. And, “I hope you plan on being extremely quiet.” Etc Etc. She finds crazy little issues, like me having lights on inside MY OWN HOUSE with curtains drawn at night to be disrupting her sleep and my presence here is “making her sick.” Or, me using water in my OWN HOUSE at 7pm is “too loud.” The list is endless. She NEVER leaves her house. She is definitely mentally ill and massively anxious which doesn’t help my state! About a month ago she came back and verbally assaulted me and accused me of not really being sick. What I find interesting, is she really lost it for the first time when my boyfriend (well, now ex) came into town to visit. She saw us together and just freaked out. Jealously? Who knows, but definitely INSANITY. Luckily she has received notice, and I’m just praying nothing else crazy happens before she leaves. So-there we have it, in a nut shell. Mold, herxes, cat pee, opossums living inside my house (and also peeing), break-ups, weird sexual changes, and a crazy person who believes I’m faking my illness and ruining her life! SIGH. Also, I’m finding that I feel SO much worse since starting treatment for the mold and Lyme than I ever did before. I’m hoping it is part of that whole ‘you’ll feel worse before you feel better’ deal. I’m just wondering, when the feel better part will appear….